In order to lead men and women into happiness and intimacy — intimacy with others and really a good relationship inside your skin as well — we have to lead men and women out of patriarchy, because the old rules were not built for intimacy and happiness. ~ Terence Real
It’s been a long and rocky relationship between me and the Patriarchy, starting way back in the mid-fifties, when I was about three years old. Like many relationships, it’s been on again/off again. It’s worked for me in some ways. In other ways, it’s caused great pain. We’ve tried to make it work, but at long last I’ve discovered that my motivation to continue is just not there. It’s time to say goodbye. While I’ll probably keep in touch with that part of me, we’ve finally agreed to see other people, other parts of me. While the Patriarchy is probably not happy, I know that I am. This is where I want to be.
Attempting to address abuse through couples therapy is like wrenching a nut the wrong way. It just gets harder to undo than it was before. ~ Lundy Bancroft
This is the second article exploring the appropriateness of couples counseling in various situations. See the first article here. In this article, we explore the situation where one of the partners treats the other partner very badly, disrespects the other, bullies or intimidates or otherwise tries to control them, and doesn’t consider the other partner’s opinion worth taking seriously. If you guessed that couples counseling can do little or nothing (and may actually be harmful) in these cases, you guessed right. Let’s look at this situation more closely, then explore some alternative options.
Take time for all things: great haste makes great waste. ~ Benjamin Franklin
Have you been feeling “not-exactly-happy” with your relationship lately? Do you and your relationship partner have “communication problems?” Do you or your partner have “one foot out the door?” Are you wondering whether getting a second opinion from a professional might be in order? This article explores some things to think about before making that step. The idea here is to set your expectations, open your eyes before going in, and give your efforts, should you decide to go for it, the best chance they can have.
Do the best you can until you know better. Then, when you know better, do better. ~ Maya Angelou
So, you’re going along in your therapy process and many light bulbs start to go off. You now realize so much more about what’s been happening around you that you never realized before, how your own well-intentioned actions have worked against you, or how your or your family’s version of “normal” was anything but healthy. All well and good.
BUT, you now start to beat yourself up about this. “I coulda spent these last 25 years living such a different life. It woulda been so much better for me. I shoulda known what to do. Why did I DO that?” Another wave of depression sets in as you contemplate what coulda been if you only knew then what you know now. Well, I’m here to tell you: You don’t need to go there! Continue reading
Excellent firms don’t believe in excellence – only in constant improvement and constant change. ~ Tom Peters
The bad news is that it only took me 21 years to figure out that I didn’t really belong in Corporate America. The good news is that I can now apply many things I learned during that time to help me better do the work of a clinical psychologist today. Admittedly, Corporate America has its good, its bad, and its ugly, just like anything else. Here I focus on the good and how I incorporate that good into my practice so that you can benefit. Continue reading
There are two questions that we have to ask ourselves. The first is “Where am I going?” and the second is “Who will go with me?” If you ever get these questions in the wrong order, you are in trouble. ~ Howard Thurman
For all you romantics out there, the equation 1 + 1 = 1 probably sounds familiar to you. You’ve come together (or want to) with a special person who “completes” you. You and they become “as one.” And certainly “love is blind” at that point. This can feel incredible for the first part of your relationship, and you find yourself not wanting to spend any time apart. Often, this leads to “taking it to another level,” possibly even marriage, or some other intended lifetime commitment. Then, after a while, something happens. You wake up one morning and begin to ask yourself, “Where did I go?” If this is happening to you, let’s find out where you went and, more importantly, how to get you back. Continue reading
You have to learn to get rid of the buttons instead of the button pushers. ~ Yogi Amrit Desai
Our parents, our children, our spouses, and our friends will continue to press every button we have, until we realize what it is that we don’t want to know about ourselves, yet. They will point us to our freedom every time. ~ Byron Katie
I often talk to clients about getting rid of their hot buttons, rather than getting rid of the people who push those buttons. Imagine life without buttons, where nothing triggers your stress and you’re able to stay conscious and in your “thinking” brain rather than your “emotional” or “survival” brain. To some, this might seem unimaginable, boring, or unromantic. Whenever I am able to do this, however, I find it quite exhilarating and freeing. Try it on for size and see what you experience. Continue reading
What would happen if you stopped looking for solutions and check to see if there was actually a problem? ~ Jeff Foster
More and more, I have people coming to me believing that they have a problem when they only think they do. Maybe they’ve lived their life being told by others that they are not good enough, need to shape up or get with the program, are too sad, too anxious, too happy, too calm, too fast, too slow, too distracted, or whatever. What if they were actually doing a great job of being “perfectly themselves?” What if they’ve only been led to believe there is a problem by others who are different from them and therefore find fault in them? If everyone realized this, I’d be out of a job. So, shhh! Continue reading
Surgeon General’s Warning: Engaging in therapy can substantially alter your perspective on yourself and the world and irreversibly change your relationships with significant others.
Are you in therapy right now, or considering it? Well, if so, get ready for a potentially life-changing experience. Be warned that, once you get into it, you may never look at yourself, the world, and other people in the same way again. Please be sure that this is what you want. Fairly quickly, you may pass a point of no return. Continue reading
The degree to which we have not allowed ourselves to experience the reality of our true Self is represented by our resentment toward those who have actually done so. ~ David Hawkins
Much like in a previous article, I provide here a warning that sets your expectations so you don’t start to believe you are doing something wrong or that you are not actually becoming healthier when you really are. Here I describe a phenomenon where certain people in your life, not everyone (hopefully), may actually resent the fact that you’re feeling better. Continue reading